


your soul could never grow old (your smile lives on in my memory)

by harrytomlinsonwhoops



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2015-01-15
Packaged: 2018-03-07 13:21:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3174788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrytomlinsonwhoops/pseuds/harrytomlinsonwhoops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing about Sirius dying, is that he'd only just gotten him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your soul could never grow old (your smile lives on in my memory)

Professor McGonagall places the sorting hat in his head, and Remus almost stops breathing when the hat pauses for a beat, and then hums loudly in confusion. He can't help but think that maybe they've made a terrible mistake, inviting a werewolf to Hogwarts. He'll be unsortable, and sent straight back home.

 _Now, now, that sort of thinking wont get you anywhere_ , the hat exclaims, and Remus almost falls of the chair in shock.

 _Er, sorry?_ he thinks, wondering if that's the proper way to converse with a talking hat.

 _You'll want to watch what you think, lad,_ the hat orders.  _I assure you, I'm much more than just a talking hat._

 _Sorry, of course you are,_ Remus thinks back.  _Just- you might as well not waste any more effort. I know I don't fit in any where. One of the hazards of turning into a beast, I suppose._

 _On the contrary young one, I think you'll find that you find in almost too well. You have an undying thirst for knowledge, so Ravenclaw would do you well. But- I also sense that your loyalty surpasses that of many, in which case, surely Hufflepuff is the right fit for you. But-_ and the hat sighs- _your bravery, your sheer determination to do good- I sense this above all._ Remus is astounded. He never thought he'd fit in  _one_ house, let alone _three_. The hat hums again, before sighing almost contentedly, and yelling out for the Great Hall to hear,  _Gryffindor!_

Among the clapping and cheering that erupts at the table covered in red and gold, Remus hears the hat whisper  _you'll be fine, I've given Gryffindor some wonderful students this year_. Remus thanks the hat, and stands up, handing it back to the Professor before heading for his new house table, where he sits next to a black haired boy.

"Took an awful long time with you, the hat did," says the boy. Remus remembers that this boys sorting took almost as long as his, and bites his lip, and nods slowly.

"It said I was- hard," he tells him. "Because I could have gone elsewhere, I suppose." He doesn't miss the way the boy's eyes glance over to the Slytherin table.

"Well- you're here now, no matter how long it took. That's all that matters," he grins. "Sirius Black, by the way. Looks like we'll be sharing a room for the next seven years."

Remus looks at the hand Sirius is offering him, and gingerly shakes it. "Looks like it," he nods, and Sirius's answering smile is so blinding it almost hurts.

*

Remus has seen this pair of green eyes flash with anger many a time before- mostly at James, to be fair, but sometimes directed at him too- but never with this kind of hatred, never with this kind of unforgiving stare that's currently on Harry's face.

"You weren't the only one who lost him," Harry snaps. "Why can't you see that? I loved him too."

Remus nods, mumbles  _sorry_ , avoids his eyes. Harry has a temper to rival even those of his parents, and Remus can almost feel the magic radiating from him. " _Sorry?_ " Harry repeats. "My  _godfather_ is  _dead_ , and you wont do anything about it- wont help me plan a funeral, or help me sort through his stuff, or just-just  _be there_ for me, and all you have to say for yourself is  _sorry?_ "

Remus wonders if maybe Harry wishes it was him, and not Sirius that fell through the veil. He knows he feels the same, knows he wouldn't blame him even if he said it aloud. "Siri- he was my best friend," Remus says, voice breaking on Sirius' name. "I- you lost your godfather, and believe me, nobody has more sympathy than I, but- I lost him fourteen years ago, when he went to Azkaban. I just got him back and-" Harry's eyes widen, and the guilt on his face is almost unbearable. "I just- need more time Harry. Please respect that."

He's gone before Harry has a chance to respond.

*

They're in second year when Sirius and James figure it out.

"Hows your mum?" Sirius asks, when he comes back from the hospital wing. Or visiting his mum, as he's led everyone to believe.

Remus shrugs. "Same as always. Not worse, not better. Do you have the potions homework for me?"

Sirius nods his head. "I did it already, it was just some questions about safety issues and stuff. You can copy of me, if you like," he offers.

Remus grins, and takes the paper from Sirius. "Think I might actually take you up on that, for once."

Sirius blinks in surprise. "Oh. You never want to copy. Ethics and morals and all that," he reminds him, and Remus shrugs. 

"Long couple of days, I suppose," he says.

Sirius bites his lip. "You always seem- worse, when you come back from visiting home," he says, the words spilling so quickly out of his mouth that Remus knows he's been struggling to hold them in. "I mean- you're never well, before you leave either, but you're always so tired when you come back. And today you look like you haven't eaten in a month."

Remus flinches, and turns his back to Sirius, sitting at his desk. "Stress, I suppose," he forces the lie out. 

He can sense, rather then see, Sirius' eyes narrowing. "I take astronomy you know," he blurts out. "I mean- I'm named after a star for goodness sake. It's my favourite lesson, and- I'm not stupid Remus. I know everyone thinks James and I are, because we like to goof off in class, but- I'm almost as smart as you, in some things. Maybe even smarter in others. And- you're my best friend. I pay attention."

Remus blinks, turns around slowly to face his best friend. Remus has seen this look in Sirius' eyes before, mostly when he's come up with an awesome prank, or figured out yet another way to get out of homework. "Do James and Peter know?"

Sirius grins sheepishly. "James helped me piece it together last night. We woke Peter up when James fell off the bed in shock, the git."

Remus nods slowly. "Is that why they're not here? Normally you all welcome me back after I- well."

Sirius shakes his head quickly. "No, _no_. Don't ever think that Remus. They're, well, in detention. Something about turning Snape's hair green, so him and Evans would be a matching Christmas set. She wasn't happy, and went straight to McGonagall. I only escaped punishment because I hid behind a statue before Evans saw me, really. Pete was livid I got away."

"I need a moment, to think, please," he says quietly, and Sirius mimes zipping his lips. Sirius  _knows_. James, Peter- his roommates, his  _best friends_ , they- "What- I mean- how are you still  _sitting_ here?" he finally manages to ask. "Most people would rather run to the forbidden forest, than sit here with a- a  _werewolf_." It feels kind of nice, he thinks, to be able to say it aloud to someone other than his parents. 

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Don't be stupid mate, you could only hurt me on the full moon, which was last night, in case you forgot." Remus winces, and then cracks his neck. 

"No, actually, I haven't," he murmurs, and Sirius reddens.

"I didn't mean it like that Remus, sorry," he apologises. "Just- we don't care. I mean- obviously we _care_ , and it's dead awful that this happened to you, but we don't  _mind_. It was a bit of a shock when we first figured it out, but." He shrugs.

"But what?"

"But we don't _care_ ," Sirius repeats. "You're still the exact same guy, only- well, I respect you a whole lot more now, to be honest. You turn into a furry beast once a month, and yet you still manage to get better grades than the whole of our year. Except Evans, but she's a genius, probably. Have I told you my theory on her, by the way?"

Remus blinks rapidly. "She's not a leprechaun Sirius, I thought we went over this."

"It's okay, I have a plan to test it anyway," Sirius says, shrugging. "But- anyway. We're okay with you and your- other side. I mean, as long as you don't transform in the dorm room, it's not exactly like you can hurt us, right?"

Remus sighs. "No, I suppose not." He's sweating, nervous and embarrassed about having been caught out lying to his best friend for almost two years. Sirius' eyes widen as Remus rolls up his sleeves.

"Oh. I guess- you can surely hurt yourself though. Is that all from transforming?" His eyes are burning holes into Remus' scared arms, and he's never felt more exposed, or vulnerable, or like he's exactly where he's supposed to be.

"I get very- angry, when I'm a wolf, I suppose. And then there's nobody to take it out on, except myself," Sirius is frowning, and Remus feels awful. "It's okay though, really. It's getting better."

"Liar," Sirius snorts. "We researched it this morning, when we were meant to be in History. It gets worse as you get older, and- it's especially awful during puberty."

Remus sighs, and nods. "But- really. Don't worry, it's fine. I'm fine."

"You're lying through your teeth, is more accurate," comes another voice. Remus looks up in shock as James and Peter enter the room.

"How was detention?" Sirius asks, grinning.

Peter scowls. "We had to sort out all the potions in the hospital wing, alphabetically. And without magic."

Sirius' grin grows wider. "So, fun then?"

James glares at him. "You're a tosser Sirius, hiding like that. Bloody unfair mate."

"Will it make up for it if I let you both copy the potions and transfiguration homework? I was so bored without you lot that I managed to finish both," he shrugs, grinning at Peter's awed look. 

"You did homework? Willingly?" James asks, shocked. "Wow, maybe it was a good thing Evans didn't see you." Sirius laughs, and chucks the assignment at Peter.

"Do you have a quill, too? Only, I lost mine," Peter says, fumbling around in his bag. James hands him one, and Remus stands up, clears his throat.

"Look- I-"

James rolls his eyes. "Is he still being all annoying?" he asks Sirius, who nods.

" _Still?_ " Remus queries. "You haven't even been here mate."

Peter shrugs. "We had a bet going- well, only nobody would take the other side of the bet, actually. But we all agreed you'd be a pain about this. James even reckoned you'd try to stop being our mate." He looks sad at the thought, and the guilt overwhelms Remus.

"I would never do that," he murmurs. "I'll be your mate as long as you guys will have me, I reckon."

Sirius grins. "Look like you're stuck with us then," he announces, and Remus smiles.

"Guess I am," he agrees.

James' brow furrows. "Now- how can we help make the transformations any easier- because it looks terrible, from what we read."

"Supposed to be easier if you're in a pack," Peter offers, copying down Sirius' homework. "We learnt that, remember?"

James rolls his eyes. "Not exactly helpful Pete, unless you know of a bunch of werewolves- er, well, other than Remus, that is."

Peter blushes a bright pink. "Sorry, but there's not a whole lot more," he shrugs.

Remus can almost see the light bulb light up over Sirius' head. They've been friends long enough for Remus to know what Sirius' bad ideas look like, and after about a week of realising that, he'd figured out just what a bad decision it is to _listen_ to one of Sirius' bad ideas.

"What if- I mean, it doesn't have to be wolves, that help you, right?" Sirius asks, and James and Peter look on blankly.

Remus shakes his head. "No. Absolutely not. Sirius- that's too dangerous. You- humans are  _fragile_. I could literally rip the three of you to _pieces_ without even breaking a sweat."

Sirius grins. "But- what if we  _weren't_ humans?" he asks, and Remus groans as James' eye's light up. 

"That's- really complicated magic. But, we could do it, I'm sure. Even if it takes a while," James says.

Peter snorts, finally having caught on. "James- I know you're good at magic and all, but- animagus' are  _illegal_ unless you register. And there's no way the ministry would let us try it now, not for years, probably." 

"We've got five and a half years left here, I'm sure we could manage something," James says, waving away the concerns.

Sirius laughs. "And who said we'd even try for permission?"

(It takes them two more years, two years of hard work, and potions gone wrong, but when they finally,  _finally_ , get it, Remus only has to spend six hours in the hospital wing after the first transformation with his boys, compared to the usual day and a half, and when the healer comments on the surprising lack of scratches and bite marks all over his body, he knows that while it may have not been exactly  _legal_ , Remus is so glad that Sirius, James and Peter have an extreme dislike for rules.)

*

James- Peter- he can't even think the word.

(It's awful, terrible, but- not quite as bad as- as-  _traitor, betrayal_. 

 _Sirius_.)

*

It's sixth year, when Remus first notice's that Lily's falling for James. He thinks that no one else sees it, because Sirius is still cursing the girl that turned James into a decent Head Boy (a.k.a: not the pranking, class skipping, best friend he'd had for the first five years of Hogwarts), and Peter is too focused on his studies, trying hard to keep up with the other three, to even notice what's going on.

Remus sees the way Lily looks at James when James isn't looking at her (which isn't often, mind), and he sees how sad she looks after two Hogsmeade weekends in a row which pass without James asking her out. It's quite a change from the previous three years, but Remus suspects Lily's answer would be a lot different this time, if James did decide to ask. It's a Tuesday night, and they've just been to an extremely awkward prefect's meeting, in which Lily tried to  _flirt_ with James, who just ignored her, in favour for showing her how committed he was to being Head Boy. It's a Tuesday night, and Remus is  _sick_ of his friend.

"I just don't see why you've given up," Remus protests, ignoring James' warning glare. "She  _likes_ you back- I can tell, and-"

"Oh,  _please_ , don't be ridiculous," James scoffs. "She's hated me for  _five and a half years_. I don't think that's suddenly changed for no reason what so ever."

This time it's Remus who scoffs. "You were an  _idiot_ for five and a half years. To her, anyway. But you've changed a lot, grown up and stuff. And her- finding out, about me, and- well, everything you three have done for me, really helped her change her mind on you." _  
_

"She called me a _law-ignoring, arrogant twat, thinks he's above absolutely everything, should have been a snake instead of a stag, toe-rag_ ," James says dryly. "That doesn't exactly indicate her changing her mind."

Remus sighs. "No, but maybe the fact that she's actually _speaking_ to you now, without cursing you every two seconds, and just last week, she actually  _laughed_ at a prank you pulled on the Slytherins, which normally- well, she'd put you in detention. She  _likes_ you- haven't you noticed that she stares at you, all the  _goddamn_ time, and- god, you're so bloody  _oblivious_."  

James laughs, and the look in his eyes is almost cruel. "Says you," he snorts, and Remus blinks in confusion. 

"Me?" he squeaks out.

"Yes,  _you_. You talk about the way Lily looks at me- have you  _seen_ the way Sirius looks at you?" Remus' mouth drops in shock. "I mean- he's been stupid over you for months, hell,  _years_ probably, and you  _still_ don't see."

"I- Sirius- we are not talking about  _me_ , we're talking about  _you_. You and Lily. Just- ask her out. Don't be stupid," Remus shoots back, before turning to leave their dorm room. 

"Back at you," James shouts out to his back.

And,  _oh_. Really, this explains a lot, when he thinks about it. 

*

The next day, they're at the lake, and really,  _fuck James Potter_ , and his stupid ideas, because- well, it's not like Remus hasn't noticed before, because of  _course_ he has, but- Sirius fucking  _glows_ in the sunlight. He's probably secretly some sort of god, Remus guesses. Of maybe he actually  _is_ a fallen star, like he keeps claiming. 

"Will you-" Sirius pauses, and sighs as Remus smiles up at him. "-give me the answer to question three for the Transfiguration homework? I can't remember it."

Remus nods, and flicks through his parchment. "It's the  _Lapifors_ spell," Remus answers. "Turns a small object or animal into a rabbit."

Sirius scoffs, copying that down. "Don't know why we're doing first year work," he grumbles, and Remus grins.

"Because it's useful, probably. Considering you don't even know half of them" he teases, and Sirius laughs.

"Let's be real Moony, when am I ever gonna have to turn something into a bunny?"

Remus pretends to think about it. "Could be useful, if you ever needed food or something," he jokes, and Sirius laughs again. Remus thinks Sirius should never stop laughing.

"I- will you-" Sirius coughs. "Will you go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?" he blurts out, blushing a bright red.

Remus blinks in rapid succession. "I- I- I-" he stutters, blushing just as red as Sirius, probably.

"Oh, are you not- I mean-" Sirius blushed an even deeper red. "Maybe I'm wrong, but I saw you looking at me at breakfast this morning, and I thought- maybe you'd finally like,  _seen_ me, I guess. James said you were interested, but then- well, James is hopeless, mostly. Which- incidentally, did you notice that Evans totally wants him now? He says she doesn't but like- well."

Remus blinks again. "Well, what?"

Sirius smiles slightly. "She looks at him the way I see you looking at me, is all." Remus blushes, and looks down, avoiding Sirius' eyes. "So- just- are you-." Sirius pauses again. "Am I making a total idiot of myself here mate, or are you- well?"

Remus smiles at his friend. "I am, I think," he pauses, and shakes his head. "Well- for you, at least. I think I have been for awhile. I just- I never thought  _you'd_ be interested in  _me_."

Sirius grinned. "Maybe you're just pants at taking a hint then, because I've been trying to get your attention for months now. Even years, probably."

Remus scoffs. "You can't have possibly known that long," he argues.

"Sure I did. I'm a genius, in case you forgot," Sirius reminds him, nudging his ribs, and then rests his head on Remus' shoulder. "So, Hogsmeade this weekend?"

Remus rolls his eyes. "We've spent every Hogsmeade weekend together for the last four years, Padfoot. Did you really think I'd say no?"

Sirius grins sheepishly. "I really hoped not, anyway. But- this will be like a date, yeah? And we can maybe hold hands, and I can pay for your lunch or whatever. Does that sound okay?"

Remus grins, and links their fingers together. "More than okay," he agrees.

*

For twelve years, whenever Remus has to face a boggart, it's not the moon he sees. 

"I- was that Black?" Frank Longbottom asks one day, after they've fought off a Bogart in the Headquarters for the Order. "Sirius, I mean," he corrects, at the look on Remus's face.

Remus blinks, wondering when the silvery moon had changed to the dead and mangled body of his best friend. "I suppose it was," he mutters, promising himself to never,  _ever_  attempt to kill a boggart in public again.

(When he's preparing for the third year Defense class, he seriously considers skipping boggarts all together, but- Sirius has  _escaped_. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, surely he's better off that- then having his  _soul_ ripped out by dementors. And- when he stops Harry from facing the boggart, too terrified of seeing Voldemort to even  _think_ about what seeing Sirius Black would do to the class full of students who thought he was nothing but a guilty murderer- it's the first time the moon appears to him in years, and- maybe this is what healing feels like, he thinks.)

*

He's not even angry, is the thing. Severus spills his secret to the entire school, and before Dumbledore is even  _asking_ him to leave, he's gone. Sirius is somewhere in the world- some where Remus can actually visit him, and not feel guilty for still loving him. Not feel guilty for thinking he would forgive him, even if he _had_ been responsible for Lily and James. He can barely think Peter's name without feeling anger, and betrayal, but- some part of him was so unbelievably  _grateful_ that it hadn't been Sirius. 

Sirius is sleeping in his dog form in a cave up in Hogsmeade when Remus finds him. He sits down and just  _stares_ for a couple of minutes, before slowly patting his friend. 

"I missed you so much" he murmurs to Sirius' sleeping form. "I- don't like living without you, really. Makes things awfully boring." Sirius-  _Padfoot -_ shakes, almost like he's laughing, and the next thing he knows, Remus is patting Sirius' human form. 

"I _am_ the life of the party," he agrees, wrapping Remus in a huge hug. "And I-"

"I'm so,  _so_ sorry I thought it was you," Remus apologises, unable to stand it any longer. "I- Peter was- all they found was a  _finger,_ and James and Lily, they were gone, and-"

"You didn't really think it was me though," Sirius interrupts. "I mean- you, you _can't_ _of_ Remus."

Remus sighs. "Maybe- I think I loved you enough no matter what I thought you'd done."

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Sap," he murmurs, before leaning over and kissing Remus gently. "I missed you too, in case that wasn't incredibly obvious."

They're quiet for a moment, just lost in the feeling of each others arms. "How did you stay sane?" Remus asks. "I- I have too many bad thoughts, I think. The dementors would have destroyed me within minutes, probably."

"It was you, I reckon," Sirius confesses. "I- you've always been the best thing in my life, and it was easy, really, to think of you almost all the time. Especially when I was Padfoot. It helped, a lot, to think about the full moon times. I know they weren't good for you, but- it was a time that no matter what was happening with the four of us, we'd be there for you together. Even when James and Lily almost broke up that time in seventh year, after she found out he'd kept the map and cloak a secret from him-"

Remus scoffs, "You mean the time you  _told_ her he was keeping those a secret, right?"

Sirius grins. "Semantics. Anyway- he was  _so_ angry at me that we didn't speak for two weeks, but that night-"

"He was still there," Remus remembers. "We really were like brothers, weren't we?"

Sirius frowns. "Not you and me though, right? Because that would be totally pants, finding that out after all this time. Put a bit of a damper on my sex life too, probably."

Remus grinned, and kissed him again. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

Sirius smiled up at him, and he spent  _twelve years_ in prison, in  _hell_ , and his eyes still sparkle when they look at Remus, and- "Sure. I seem to recall that it's not  _nearly_ as much as I love you though."

Remus smiles, and his shoulders relax for probably the first time in almost thirteen years.

*

He- he already lost Sirius  _once_ , goddamnit. And he'd only  _just_ fucking got him back, and- and- and-

It just wasn't  _fair,_ and-

His memorial service is simple, just members of the order, and Harry and his friends. It's a lot less than what Sirius deserves, Remus thinks, but- after the first war, there doesn't seem to be many people left that remember him very well. 

He sleeps in Sirius' old bedroom for two months straight, and wakes up to the photo of them, with James and Peter, above the bed every day. The room smells like Sirius did, and- he can't breathe, properly most nights. In the last sixteen years, there's only been about three of them in which he felt like the air he was breathing in every second wasn't harming him. Only been three years in which he felt whole,  _complete_. 

*

He's thirteen, the first time Sirius holds his hand. They're running away from the Slytherin common room, where they- along with James and Peter- had managed to sneak in behind a first year, under the cloak, and then proceeded to charm everything red and gold, and Peter and James- the little  _shits_ \- bolt at the first sight of Professor Slughorn, leaving Remus and Sirius completely visible to anyone who was around, and-

"Fuck, Moony,  _hurry up_ , c'mon, c'mon," Sirius pleads, looking back and seeing the door to the Slytherin common room opening behind him. "Fuck,  _Remus_ ," he swears, before grabbing his hand and leading him away before anyone can catch them at the scene of the prank. 

Remus never tells him, but his heart pounds even faster when their hands touch, and- he was having enough trouble moving his legs just after  _looking_ at Sirius, and how bright his smile was after seeing the look of horror on the first Slytherin to come into their newly decorated common room that morning, and with him  _touching_ his hand-  _gripping_ his hand like this- he can barely even  _breathe_ , let alone  _walk_.

Looking back, he wonders if maybe that was the first moment he fell for Sirius, but then- he remembers the first time he met Sirius, and when they shook hands and- he thinks he's always felt sparks, when they touched. Thinks he always will, probably.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr post can be found [here](http://slytherin-larrie.tumblr.com/post/142344672154/your-soul-could-never-grow-old-your-smile-lives/)
> 
> thank you so much for reading. i would truly love it if any of you could spare the time to watch this [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEUumIaxM9M&app=desktop), and then consider sharing it or donating to [this cause](http://prf.donorpages.com/TeamEnzoFundraising/CatherinaLlontop/). a little boy that i know was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease called progeria. this disease causes him to age at rapid rates, and children who suffer from this have a life expectancy of only 15 years. enzo is currently the only child with this disease in the entirety of australia, and he and his family would appreciate any awareness you could raise or any funds you can spare. if you're unable to financially help, please consider even sharing the video so maybe it will reach someone who is able to. again, thank you for reading.
> 
> as usual, find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/slytherinlarry_) and [tumblr](http://slytherin-larrie.tumblr.com).


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